Saturday, December 7, 2019
Monday, December 2, 2019
Sibling Loss; A Sister s Journey: A review by Allan Schnarr, Phd.
A death in the family:
So Much to Learn Here……
So Much to Learn Here……
Sibling Loss;A sister s journey.....
Sibling Loss is not a book you read at a dispassionate
distance. It is not for you if you choose to avoid facing your losses, not
unless you become willing to turn around and face yourself. The reading is a
deeply personal encounter with Laura, as she lays bare the unspeakable tragedy
of the death of her beloved brother. As you encounter Laura, the mirror she
offers will draw you in to the journey inside your own broken heart. The
courage this journey requires is more than worth the investment.
For the first couple chapters, as she gives narrative detail to the family history of both her parents, the tragedy in her lineage is intellectually interesting. I found myself following the details with no emotional engagement. This continued as she moved the narrative through her early childhood with her three brothers. I was impressed with the intricate depth of detail that gave such insightful clarity to the family relational dynamics. I was not aware that I was guarding myself from getting emotionally involved – until the tragedy happened.
All my defenses fell, my heart broke open, tears flowed, as Laura described the sudden senseless loss of the one person most dear to her – and I have never lost a sib! I have, however, lost dependable love in childhood. As my own deep losses resonated with her, I noticed myself with a sense of awe at the clarity of her awareness in the midst of unbearable tragedy. I wanted to turn away from such a fierce confrontation with reality. I did not. I am a therapist used to choosing to stay with others in their pain, even when, especially when, it awakens mine.
I stayed with Laura, horrified and fascinated, in the grip of her relentless narrative. The gut wrenching loss wreaked havoc in each of the already struggling family relationships, stretching them taut, to the point of breaking. It is part of the wonder of Laura’s experience that these relationships never did break, at least not irreparably. Though everyone was shattered beyond their ability to cope, though fear and anger, and anguished abandonment overwhelmed each family member, some unshakeable bond lasted. There is so much to learn here about longing for love, losing love, and searching for it unwaveringly. This is the thread weaving Laura’s narrative. It is at the archetypal core of each journey through life, love lost and found.
Laura fights her way through recurrent relationships, with nothing working out, as long as her lost brother looms ever present. This leads to recurrent losses, of love seemingly found only to be lost again, of heartbreak – and of opportunity to grieve, and to learn. The fierce resilience at Laura’s core is a marvel to behold, and hopefully to remember or discover inside oneself. Her search for healing eventually took her to a retreat weekend with The Rothman Cole Center for Sibling Loss (which eventually became the Center for Grief Recovery where I now work). This experience became the turning point as she found the support she needed to work through her grief.
Laura’s story is a testament to the value of the journey of grief recovery. It is a searing path, cutting through deep dark passages. The road leads through increasing wisdom in accepting how inherently loss is at the heart of life. Laura makes it clear that fully grieving the loss of love brings one to a new home, a renewed discovery of love, a love strong enough and wise enough to walk through each new loss with durable, irrepressible grace. Thank you Laura.
I you ve eperienced a death in the family: this is the book you want to read to see the impact on all members and their evolution, especially if it's the death of a brother or sister in youth.
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
For the first couple chapters, as she gives narrative detail to the family history of both her parents, the tragedy in her lineage is intellectually interesting. I found myself following the details with no emotional engagement. This continued as she moved the narrative through her early childhood with her three brothers. I was impressed with the intricate depth of detail that gave such insightful clarity to the family relational dynamics. I was not aware that I was guarding myself from getting emotionally involved – until the tragedy happened.
All my defenses fell, my heart broke open, tears flowed, as Laura described the sudden senseless loss of the one person most dear to her – and I have never lost a sib! I have, however, lost dependable love in childhood. As my own deep losses resonated with her, I noticed myself with a sense of awe at the clarity of her awareness in the midst of unbearable tragedy. I wanted to turn away from such a fierce confrontation with reality. I did not. I am a therapist used to choosing to stay with others in their pain, even when, especially when, it awakens mine.
I stayed with Laura, horrified and fascinated, in the grip of her relentless narrative. The gut wrenching loss wreaked havoc in each of the already struggling family relationships, stretching them taut, to the point of breaking. It is part of the wonder of Laura’s experience that these relationships never did break, at least not irreparably. Though everyone was shattered beyond their ability to cope, though fear and anger, and anguished abandonment overwhelmed each family member, some unshakeable bond lasted. There is so much to learn here about longing for love, losing love, and searching for it unwaveringly. This is the thread weaving Laura’s narrative. It is at the archetypal core of each journey through life, love lost and found.
Laura fights her way through recurrent relationships, with nothing working out, as long as her lost brother looms ever present. This leads to recurrent losses, of love seemingly found only to be lost again, of heartbreak – and of opportunity to grieve, and to learn. The fierce resilience at Laura’s core is a marvel to behold, and hopefully to remember or discover inside oneself. Her search for healing eventually took her to a retreat weekend with The Rothman Cole Center for Sibling Loss (which eventually became the Center for Grief Recovery where I now work). This experience became the turning point as she found the support she needed to work through her grief.
Laura’s story is a testament to the value of the journey of grief recovery. It is a searing path, cutting through deep dark passages. The road leads through increasing wisdom in accepting how inherently loss is at the heart of life. Laura makes it clear that fully grieving the loss of love brings one to a new home, a renewed discovery of love, a love strong enough and wise enough to walk through each new loss with durable, irrepressible grace. Thank you Laura.
I you ve eperienced a death in the family: this is the book you want to read to see the impact on all members and their evolution, especially if it's the death of a brother or sister in youth.
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
Sibling Loss, at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High
A death in the family:
Sibling Loss; a sister s journey....
Sibling Loss; a sister s journey....
April 5, 2018
Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
A special letter & tribute to the families of the fallen students at the high school
To the families of the children & adults who lost their
lives to a crazed gunman on February 14th/18, a day reserved worldwide for expressing love to one
another, my heartfelt sympathy.
I did not
suffer such an evil act, however my 13 year old brother left the house to go to
a baseball game and was killed by a car on the way. (I ve had a 2 minute video
done that explains the devastation that followed/www.sibling-loss.com).
We all fell
into ‘darkness’ as you have, & I decided I had to do whatever I could to
get back my life. It took years; but with therapy, research and writing, I eventually arrived at a
better place; celebrating my brother s life rather than only mourning his
death. You never get over it, but you can be happy again.
Parents understandably
never really recover completely, we all know. But siblings who took for granted
being at their siblings’ birthdays, weddings, graduations, anniversaries, …..the
list goes on & on, are in shock over the complete change in their futures
without their loved one. They are left with a primary feeling of being
abandoned, being alone, all plans changed without warning, even with other
siblings being there. Left with not knowing how to comfort one another when you
are in so much pain; feeling guilty over any unforgiven misgivings with that
person, wondering if your family would have preferred if it had been someone
else, some other sibling or you, are the tortured feelings that follow. Let it
go as it s NOT so. Find a way to tell one another how you feel, if you can,
& WRITE IT DOWN. Writing was my
saving grace. Pray for peace of mind.
Be together,
cry together & love each other more, as your departed loved one s spirit
will also find peace that way….I believe.
God bless
the memories of Scott Beigel, Martin Duque Anguiano, Nicholas Dworet, Aaron
Feis, Jaime Guttenberg, Chris Hixon, Luke Hoyer, Cara Loughran, Gina Montalto,
Joaquin Oliver, Alaina Petty, Meadow Pollack, Helena, Ramsay, Alex Schachter, Carmen
Schentrup, & Peter Wang.
With my
heartfelt wish for all of you to find peace.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Sibling Loss: How I m Feeling Now
A death in the family:
Sibling Loss: This is how I feel now
I must tell you that the old saying "time heals all" is not completely true. To quote Mary Neale from To Heaven & Back, ''When you love with all you have, you grieve with all that you are.....'' As you may know, you think you will never be happy again. Unbeknown to us, Mathew was the underlying stabilizer in our family. After his death, and the ensuing silence, my brothers and I developed in a negative and destructive manner toward one another. Mathew's death left an irreversible void - an emptiness that could never be filled by anyone else.
There is no recipe, and no-one knows--nor will ever know--how you feel, and how you have lived your personal tragedy. It's a matter of finding your way through support groups, therapy and friendships. Writing is a major help, and listening to others' stories is also very healing. Whatever helps you feel compassion for all of us and gratitude for discovering a peaceful place again will help you chart your particular journey to healing.
Time has illustrated to me that the death of my brother was the catalyst to my devastating despair; however, the lack of support was the tragedy. A person left with no avenue of help, especially a child, is emotionally doomed in most ways. Getting help was what got me over Mathew, but only after years of senseless suffering.
Other things haven't changed so quickly....my brothers and I still aren't close since we never were since childhood, and somehow we never got there.....another tragedy, but we are in contact and keep track of one another's lives. And there are tiny grandchildren around us, and they confirm that there's magic; I never dreamed I'd be so enchanted & happy. Be optimistic and get all the help you can; and please believe that the light is around the next turn. It truly is.
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
Sibling Loss: This is how I feel now
I must tell you that the old saying "time heals all" is not completely true. To quote Mary Neale from To Heaven & Back, ''When you love with all you have, you grieve with all that you are.....'' As you may know, you think you will never be happy again. Unbeknown to us, Mathew was the underlying stabilizer in our family. After his death, and the ensuing silence, my brothers and I developed in a negative and destructive manner toward one another. Mathew's death left an irreversible void - an emptiness that could never be filled by anyone else.
There is no recipe, and no-one knows--nor will ever know--how you feel, and how you have lived your personal tragedy. It's a matter of finding your way through support groups, therapy and friendships. Writing is a major help, and listening to others' stories is also very healing. Whatever helps you feel compassion for all of us and gratitude for discovering a peaceful place again will help you chart your particular journey to healing.
Time has illustrated to me that the death of my brother was the catalyst to my devastating despair; however, the lack of support was the tragedy. A person left with no avenue of help, especially a child, is emotionally doomed in most ways. Getting help was what got me over Mathew, but only after years of senseless suffering.
Other things haven't changed so quickly....my brothers and I still aren't close since we never were since childhood, and somehow we never got there.....another tragedy, but we are in contact and keep track of one another's lives. And there are tiny grandchildren around us, and they confirm that there's magic; I never dreamed I'd be so enchanted & happy. Be optimistic and get all the help you can; and please believe that the light is around the next turn. It truly is.
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
Monday, November 11, 2019
A review for Sibling Loss; A Sisters Journey...
A death in the family: is one of the most horrible eperiences one can have.
"...The grip sibling death has on the survivors' lives reaches so far into the future, few have been able to extricate themselves from the suffocating web to share the grief & verbalize the unthinkable. Children grieve in the same way they laugh and love - in a manner which is uncontrollable, unconditional, and often unending."
Judith Kovalski, M.A., M.S.W.
"...For those who have lost a sibling... Prince reveals the lifelong process of healing. She helps us realize that love of another person transcends all space & time & shapes our lives long after the event of physical death."
"It is tough reading and it is honest reading. It is a book that will keep you spellbound...The book is the diary of a woman bereaved, and how the dynamics of misguided grief, strong family values often expressed in denial and conflict, and the long term effects of mourning denied, and thus become complicated, that the author experienced. We see the strong values of culture as a compromiser, the differences afforded expressions of grief because of thenature of the relationship or the age/generation of the mourner, expressions of sorrow rooted in the inability to find a meaningful relationship, sexual wanderings in hopes of "curing" the pain, and, in many ways, one of the most graphic expressions of the real challenges of sibling loss as they emerge in the child and often do not find expression and relief until well into adult life."
-- The Rev. Fr. Richard B. Gilbert, Executive Director,The World Pastoral Care Center
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
"...The grip sibling death has on the survivors' lives reaches so far into the future, few have been able to extricate themselves from the suffocating web to share the grief & verbalize the unthinkable. Children grieve in the same way they laugh and love - in a manner which is uncontrollable, unconditional, and often unending."
Judith Kovalski, M.A., M.S.W.
"...For those who have lost a sibling... Prince reveals the lifelong process of healing. She helps us realize that love of another person transcends all space & time & shapes our lives long after the event of physical death."
"It is tough reading and it is honest reading. It is a book that will keep you spellbound...The book is the diary of a woman bereaved, and how the dynamics of misguided grief, strong family values often expressed in denial and conflict, and the long term effects of mourning denied, and thus become complicated, that the author experienced. We see the strong values of culture as a compromiser, the differences afforded expressions of grief because of thenature of the relationship or the age/generation of the mourner, expressions of sorrow rooted in the inability to find a meaningful relationship, sexual wanderings in hopes of "curing" the pain, and, in many ways, one of the most graphic expressions of the real challenges of sibling loss as they emerge in the child and often do not find expression and relief until well into adult life."
-- The Rev. Fr. Richard B. Gilbert, Executive Director,The World Pastoral Care Center
amzn.to/2X8YNJZ
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